On October 12th I mentioned that the doing of new things is scary, especially relating to this study course. I meant the phrase “study course” to encompass all of the things I’m doing within this first semester at Goddard.
The learning is the easy part. The communication challenges me a great deal. And every time I start doing a new thing – be it interacting with the library or arranging for someone to double check my progress in a field – I first have to overcome my dread of the unknown.
When I was in my late twenties, a single mom in Tel Aviv living a life far from the life I’d planned, I used to remind myself that I was the bravest woman in the WHOLE city. Everything was terrifying and new, and yet – I did it anyhow.
The situation with studying is not nearly that terrifying, but it does require that I muster every bit of courage that I have. I am not afraid to fail. I am not afraid to succeed, either. I think I am afraid to claim my rightful place in the world.
I’d better work on that.
It seems to me that in the presence of many previously-owned books, what I shed is inhibitions and fear. Maybe that is the answer? Maybe I need to surround myself with an environment that feels ultimately safe, like that in a bookstore?
Hmm. Filed under “requires more thought.”